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TechwareLabs Interviews the Devil

Author:  Jason Jacobs
Date:  2007.10.31
Topic:  Other
Provider:  Companies World Wide
Manufacturer:  The Devil

Techwarelabs Interviews The Devil

In the middle of testing the latest processor from AMD I got a knock at our front door. Figuring it to be some Trick Or Treaters I opened the door only to be staring face to face with the Devil. Immediately images of having Prescotts strapped to our forehead and having to watch as demons destroyed my raid arrays flashed through my mind. Instead the it turns out the Devil wanted to be interviewed this Halloween so he could dispell some nasty rumors about him that were spread dealing with technology.

Of course I'm not one to pass up an important technology related interview (especially one in which my mortal soul may be at stake) so we sat down and started our question and answer session.

TechwareLabs: Can't say I'm glad you dropped by but what seems to be on your mind Lou?

Devil: Cute technogeek . . . . I'm here because I've been victimized by the system and I want people to know Im not responsible for all this stuff I get blamed for every day.

TechwareLabs: Victimized by the system? What do you mean?

Devil: You humans have developed a mighty force of people who's sole purpose it is to spin the truth and make failure seem like accomplishment. These people re-direct attention and facts like they were cars in traffic. You have even named these people PR.

TechwareLabs: Hey I know some great PR people!

Devil: So do I, I get some of my best souls from this profession.Used to be lawyers, now its PR.

TechwareLabs: So whats your beef with PR?

Devil: Well frankly I've been blamed for mishaps and disaster after disaster with products. When they can't explain what caused the problem they assign it to some kind of devilish intervention. I'm sick and tired of being blamed for stuff I didnt blow up. You people can't make good technology so you pin the bad products on me!

TechwareLabs: Like what products?

Devil: For example the well known hard drives that cames to be called the deathstar's. For christ's sake I had nothing to do with that! I know you all think that I lived inside those infernal devices but in reality I didn't hold the patent. And how about the Prescott, I know they run hot, but saying they run hotter than hell? You really have no idea how hot hell is do you?

TechwareLabs: And I don't want to find out. But come on a lot of the technology failures you did have a hand in right?

Devil: Do I look like a geek to you?

TechwareLabs: . . .


TechwareLabs: . . . well you could. . .

Devil: Go Ahead say that again I dare you.

TechwareLabs: . . . absolutely not a geek.

Devil: Thats right. Now listen other than having stock in a few choice companies . . . like Microsoft and Dell I have no involvement with your gadgets and gizmos.

TechwareLabs: Your telling me you had nothing to do with that whole iPod craze?

Devil: Nope all we did was contract with Apple for giving it its addictive properties. I mean you have to admit a plain white device with a circular pad for its controls and a tiny display that did nothing more than play music and have a high price tag. Come on you think that would sell on its own? Of course we gave a little bit of help here and there. Would your pathetic geek lives be any fun without constantly changing the lineup of CPU's?

TechwareLabs: See that was your doing! I always knew it!

Devil: Yeah that was me. But I wasn't responsible for completely restructuring the naming scheme every few months leading to a complete inability to tell which CPU's fall where in terms of performance. That again was your precious PR.

TechwareLabs: So what else isin't your fault?

Devil: Well honestly and I know you won't believe me but I had nothing to do with Vista.

TechwareLabs: Ok and there's no ice in the arctic either.

Devil: Really, I was late to the stockholders meeting that day. That was entirely the brainchild of Billy boy. BTW I have great things in mind for that one. He has some real talent I think.

TechwareLabs: Why do I not have a problem seeing that.

Devil: I'm not responsible for the concept of drivers either.

TechwareLabs: First you tell me that Vista isin't your handy work and now drivers? Do I look stupid?

Devil: Drivers were the genius born of two years of PR working overtime on a way to keep people upgrading while simultaneously installing massive amounts of software they didn't need to obtain e-mail addresses and further their campaign of propaganda. Now I must admit I gleaned some wonderful techniques from that one, its how I came up with spam.

TechwareLabs: Ok I will get back to the drivers thing later, did I hear you right you just admitted to being responsible for spam.

Devil: Well of course I'm behind that one. It takes a good deal of devilish magic to keep all of your inboxes flooded with loads of garbage. I laugh every time some poor fool opens one of those viagra e-mails. I get those deep down belly laughs when I send out a few trillion e-mails that appear to come from the person I send them to. The puzzled looks on people faces get me every time.

TechwareLabs: You sick son of a . . .

Devil: Oops watch it there or I may sign you back up for AOL just for that.

TechwareLabs: Ahah! that is most definitely your doing.

Devil: Man you are so wrong. See everyone thinks AOL is my work as well, not that I can blame them. 4 million CD's a day going out to mailboxes the world around. But see if it was my work I would have made it impossible to uninstall the software, I would have made it slow your system to a crawl, then I would have made it run at least 12 different programs in the background just to sustain itself even what it wasn't being used, and finally I would have made it next to impossible for people to terminate the service.

TechwareLabs:Ahah ok Einstein, AOL was definitely your handiwork.

Devil: mmm. . . ok fine. But I didn't create the concept of plug n play, the furby, or the ball mouse.

TechwareLabs: Yeah right and I guess your going to tell me that your not responsible for the inkjet cartridge either.

Devil: No no no the inkjet cartridge is mine all right. Takes true insight and genius to come up with a way to bilk people out of millions each year. Do you realize that I managed to make ink thousands of times more expensive than gasoline.

TechwareLabs: Ok how about Duke Nukem Forever? Don't tell me that entire team of developers doesn't work for you.

Devil: Nope not my doing, again your mighty PR making all of geekdom wait for the realease of a game that will never occur.

TechwareLabs: Speaking of software what else are you supposedly not responsible for?

Devil: Viruses, trojans, and malware.

TechwareLabs: Ok that breaks it.Gimme a break, viruses not your work?

Devil: Nope. . . Once again your PR found a way to sell more products. Drive the wild sensationalism of being hacked, turned into a bot, your data hijacked, and your computer virused and you sell a ton of antivirus. Look at the number and variety of programs out there to counter these problems and then tell me that your PR wasn't involved. Corporate greed JJ Corporate greed.

TechwareLabs: Ok get out! I didn't invite you into the Labs. Come back when you can learn to take responsibility for your actions. Everyone knows you live inside our gadgets causing things to go wrong and forcing us to upgrade.

Devil: And so the terrible cycle continues. . . Oh the horror!


Happy Halloween from TechwareLabs!

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