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  #1  
Old 07-24-2002, 08:08 AM
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Default Caffinated Rambling July 2002

EVIL USER LICENSE AGREEMENT FOR MICROSOFT® SOFTWARE

IMPORTANT-READ CAREFULLY: This End-User License Agreement ("EULA") is a legal agreement between you (either an individual or a single entity, friend, family, house-hold pets, people you know, anyone you've ever mentioned the word computer to while speaking to, and anyone you've ever passed with a 100 mile radius of) and the manufacturer ("PC Manufacturer" or "Manufacturer" a.k.a. "No one you'll ever get ahold of even after 15 hours on hold") of the computer system  or computer system component ("HARDWARE") with which you acquired the Microsoft software product(s) identified above or on the Product Identification Card accompanying this EULA or on the Product Identification Label attached to the product package  ("SOFTWARE PRODUCT" or "SOFTWARE") or anything else we "damn well want to claim is our".  If the SOFTWARE PRODUCT is not accompanied by a new computer system or computer system component, you may not use or copy the SOFTWARE PRODUCT or speak about it to people you know.  If the SOFTWARE PRODUCT is  accompanied by a new computer system or computer system component, you may not use or copy the SOFTWARE PRODUCT or speak about it to people you know.  The SOFTWARE PRODUCT includes computer software, the associated media, any Microsoft hardware accompanying the computer software, any printed materials, any "online" or electronic documentation, using the word "Microsoft", "Windows", "Computer", "Electronic Thingy" and thinking about any electronic devise.  By installing, copying, talking about, thinking about, dreaming about (Nightmares include) or otherwise using the SOFTWARE PRODUCT, you agree to be bound by the terms of this EULA and any other EULA we design regardless of it's relevance to this product.  If you do not agree to the terms of this EULA, Manufacturer, Microsoft Corporation ("Microsoft"), and Microsoft Licensing Inc. ("MSLI") you will be shot.  In such event, your body will be sacrificed to B.G. and your worldly pocessions "Donatated" to us.
SOFTWARE PRODUCT LICENSE
The SOFTWARE PRODUCT is protected by copyright laws and international copyright treaties, as well as other intellectual property laws and treaties and the best Mercanaries money can buy.  The SOFTWARE PRODUCT is licensed, not sold, rented, or even actually allowed for use. The term "COMPUTER" as used herein shall mean the HARDWARE, if the HARDWARE is a computer system, or the computer system with which the HARDWARE operates, if the HARDWARE is a computer system component to include any technilogical device within 5 miles.
.      GRANT OF LICENSE.  This EULA grants you the following rights, regulations and pacts (with the devil):
·      Software Installation and Use.  Except as otherwise expressly provided in Section 1 of this EULA, you may only install and use one copy of the SOFTWARE PRODUCT on the COMPUTER so long as electicity is not supplied to the device while the software is on the system.
·      SQL Server, Workstation System Installation and Use.  If the SOFTWARE PRODUCT is SQL Server, Workstation System, the following applies to your installation and use of the SOFTWARE PRODUCT subject to the restrictions set forth in Section 2,7,12,31,746,912 and article 5 of "Selling your soul to B.G. for dummies".  For each Processor Version (hidden somewhere you'll never find) supplied, the SOFTWARE PRODUCT consists of "Server Software", "Client Software", "Development Tool" and "Bug" components.  You may install and use one copy of one Processor Version of the Server Software component only on the COMPUTER.  You may install the Client Software and Development Tool components of the SOFTWARE PRODUCT, regardless of Processor Version, on any number of your computers, provided there is only one copy of each Processor Version of each such component in use at any time (Note: none of the client software is allowed to be installed in the same Solar System as the Server software).
·      Back-up Copy. If Manufacturer has not included a back-up copy of the SOFTWARE PRODUCT with the COMPUTER, you may make a single back-up copy of the computer software portion of the SOFTWARE PRODUCT.  You may use the back-up copy solely for archival purposes.  Back-up Utility.  If the SOFTWARE PRODUCT includes a Microsoft back-up utility you may use it to make the single back-up copy to 8 1/4" floppies as described.  Before the single back-up copy is made, the backup utility will be permanently disabled.
.      DESCRIPTION OF OTHER RIGHTS AND LIMITATIONS.  
·      Speech Recognition.  If the SOFTWARE PRODUCT includes a speech recognition component, it should be understood by you that speech recognition is inherently a statistical process; that recognition errors are inherent in the process of speech recognition; that it is your responsibility to provide for handling such errors and to monitor the speech recognition process and correct any errors.  Neither Manufacturer or its suppliers shall be liable for any damages arising out of errors in the speech recognition process (statistiaccly speaking it will understand 1 in 200 words under ideal circumstatces, hope you know Klingon).
·      If the SOFTWARE PRODUCT is included in more than one language version, you are licensed to use only one of the language versions provided .  As part of the setup process for the SOFTWARE PRODUCT you will be given a one-time option to select a language version.  Upon selection, the language version selected by you will be set up on the COMPUTER, and the language version(s) selected by you will be automatically and permanently deleted from the hard disk of the COMPUTER.
·      Limitations on Reverse Engineering, Decompilation and Disassembly.  You may not reverse engineer, decompile, or disassemble the SOFTWARE PRODUCT, ever, under any circumstance, or you will be shot.
·      Separation of Components.  The SOFTWARE PRODUCT is licensed as a single product.  Its component parts may not be separated for use on any.
·      Single COMPUTER.  The SOFTWARE PRODUCT is licensed with the HARDWARE as a single integrated product.  The SOFTWARE PRODUCT may only be used with the HARDWARE  as set forth in this EULA.
·      Single EULA.  The package for the SOFTWARE PRODUCT may contain multiple versions of this EULA, such as multiple translations and/or multiple media versions (e.g., in the user documentation and in the software).  In this case, you are only licensed to use one (1) copy of the SOFTWARE PRODUCT. The terms of a printed, paper EULA which may accompany the SOFTWARE PRODUCT supersede the terms of any on-screen EULA found within the SOFTWARE PRODUCT.  Our lawyers may at their discretion change all of this and then sue you for negligence and emotional trauma
·      Rental.  You may not rent, lease, sell, trade, use, barter with, or lend the SOFTWARE PRODUCT.  
·      Termination.  Without prejudice to any other rights, Microsoft, MSLI, or Manufacturer may terminate you and your right to use the SOFTWARE PRODUCT under this EULA if you fail to comply with the terms and conditions of this or any other EULA.  In such event, you must destroy all copies of the SOFTWARE PRODUCT, your home, all wordly pocessions, and anything you've ever touched in your life.
.      SOFTWARE MEDIA.  You may receive the SOFTWARE PRODUCT in more than one medium. Regardless of the type or size of medium you receive, none of them are intended for actual use.  You may not use or install the other medium on any computer.  
. PRODUCT SUPPORT. Product support for the SOFTWARE PRODUCT is not provided by Microsoft or its subsidiaries.  For product support, please refer to Manufacturer's support number provided in a really hard plact to find and with a toll charge of one months salary a minute.  Should you actually be able to find help somewhere notify us immediatly so they can be shot.
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  #2  
Old 07-24-2002, 11:29 AM
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vee_ess vee_ess is offline
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Default Re: Caffinated Rambling July 2002

That pretty much sums it up; but only sums it up as their EULA's are around a few thousand times that length. That's pretty funny though. Next thing you know, MS will come to you to try to hire you, move you to a third world country so they can pay you 83 cents a month, and have you writing for their EULA to replace their current softie.
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Old 07-25-2002, 01:59 AM
Omega Omega is offline
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Default Re: Caffinated Rambling July 2002

I was skimming to begin with, and got bored after about the 5th line. Maybe tomorrow at work I'll read it. I did read about half of the real Microsoft Office XP EULA while there one time...
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