Dear America From John Cleese(Lancelot from the holy grail)
 

>NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
>by John Cleese
>
>To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your
>failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern
>yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
>effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
>monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
>Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (the Right
>Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been
>unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a
>minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and
>the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year
>to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a
>British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
>immediate effect:
>
>1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
>=>Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
>amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
>=>The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
>'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your
>part.
>=>Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
>letters.
>=>You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not
>'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
>=>You will learn that the suffix burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g.
>Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you
>can't cope with correct pronunciation.
>=>Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
>"vocabulary." Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler
>noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
>form of communication.
>=>Look up "interspersed."
>=>There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not
>old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows.
>When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad
>language as often.
>
>2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on
>your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
>of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
>
>3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
>really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
>upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
>learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
>"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking
>about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
>England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it
>Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g.Texasshire,
>Floridashire, Louisianashire.
>
>4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
>good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
>English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red
>Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American
>audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political
>incorrectness.
>
>5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
>but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
>confused and give up half way through.
>
>6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of
>football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
>The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
>may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
>longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
>Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
>game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
>(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
>a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
>nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by
>2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
>event called the 'World Series' for a game that is not played outside of
>America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
>your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will
>be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball
>without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
>
>7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer
>be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a
>vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to
>handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish
>to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>
>8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
>national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
>
>9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
>own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
>All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
>driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
>metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
>Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
>humour.
>
>10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
>are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian, though
>97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are
>not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
>potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and
>fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer, which
>should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more
>aggressive with customers.
>
>11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
>tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
>doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
>
>12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
>beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will
>be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted
>provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as
>"American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's
>Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company
>whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine." This
>will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in
>Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
>
>13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline," as you
>will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
>former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
>the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US
>gallon - get used to it).
>
>14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
>or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
>that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should be handled only
>by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
>someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to
>handle a gun.
>
>15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
>
>16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly
>to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
>
>Thank you for your co-operation. Great Britain

dude that'd be awesome! Tony Blair is a badass...

okay promethus so you would much rather have insane posts placed on the forum that knocks the United States of America's Great President down instead of answering where can I get a yahoo pool aimer? SOME PEOPLE HERE ARE FROM THE USA! You need to lay off of Bush. You dont see me going after your government leader whoever that is.

I am from the USA. Im american living in Ireland. John Cleese just happens to be one my idols in the comedy world. Eric Idle is also up there with him.

SO I am going after my government leader. :P

wtf?

wtf?

*giggles* thats awesome pro

So you are a U.S. citizen then, Pro?

Yes? I was born in LA

I was born in San Diego... so GO CHARGERS!



oh yeah and GO DOLPHINS.

Im really a seattle guy ;)

Yeah i was kinda dissappointed that I moved here as a child, but Washington ain't so bad.. still hoping we move back down south by my relatives sometime :devil:

washington pride right here... nothing like being one of the most democratic states in the nation

we are one of the most liberal


errr im not there anymore...."they"

This just started circulating...
 

To the Citizens of England… or wherever your from, John Cleese.
(A response to “Dear America” from John Cleese. Please see corresponding numbers from his letter.)

1. You should look up "aluminum" on "dictionary.com". Check the pronunciation guide. We pronounce it just fine. As for "revocation"... no one uses that word any more. If you reinstate the letter 'U' into any more words, you will be officially labeled as a "retard". There is nothing more futile than adding more letters than necessary. Learn to use another expletive other than "brilliant!". It's getting old. Learn to use abbreviations.

3. Why would any one in the U.S. EVER want to watch a Scottish drama in the first place? I do not believe they even broadcast such utter poopery within 6000 miles (or kilowatts for your metric people). As for understanding accents, you should probably stop pronouncing "here" as "ear". Ears are the things that stick so far off of your heads that you have to walk through doors sideways.

4. Hollywood does not bend to the whim of the people of England. It does not even bend to the whim of reality or taste. And even if the shows "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" were re-cast or watered down, the only people who would notice are people who happen to be up at 2 AM (that's 12:43 in metric time) and can somehow make out the fuzzy, flickering picture of public television channels.

5. No.

6. If you understood the concept of "strategy" you may begin to understand "American Football". Think of it as a game of "Chess" with living pieces. In a completely related issue, the people of England must learn to look relaxed and stop walking/talking like they have some sort of large stick inserted into their asses. You will also stop referring to someone's behind, lower back, butt, tush, booty or ass as a "bum". Those are the things we throw money at on the street corner. Expand your vocab.

7. My vegetable peeler IS a gun.

9. Ok, this is like saying, "All British cars are hereby banned because they are all crap" (which is true). The vast majority of America does not own American cars. It is America which keeps certain German car companies in business. As for "Roundabouts", no - they are stupid.

10. Pssst, we KNOW French fries are not French. It wasn't us who started calling them that in the first place. It was the bloody French! (whom we make fun of on a regular basis. You will learn to do the same.) As for making real chips, dear God. We do not make "real chips" for the same reason we do not eat poop. The English need to learn the importance of food that tastes edible. Once you have tasted foods such as: "Italian", "Mexican", "Thai", or any other food of the entire world, you will understand this. Also, you will stop eating so much cheese.... and wearing sweaters.... or using the color brown for that matter.

11. We don't care.

12. We drink beer to get drunk. The few, the proud who are not involved in this national past time do import and drink the stuff you call beer (which we call "liquid bread" and have to eat with a fork).

The missing numbers are for a reason. There was purely no reason to respond to such things as they are common sense. As for my bad grammar and/or spelling, its your fault the blooming language makes no sense in the first place.

Thank you for your understanding.

1.Dictionary.com doesnt have oxford backing it
3.Kilometers
4.Cable reception is quite good here there is sattelite and digital cable
5.we would get confused
6.American football is a rip off of rugby and is nothing but guys running into each other.
7.no, it isnt
9.European cars are better than american cars. They get larger MPG's no lower than 35. They have more space inside (despite looking tiny) Roundabouts are space saving and effective.
10.He's right, chips here are so much better, and you havent tried real Mexican Thai and Italian yet till you go to Europe. Trust me.
11.Does the boston tea party ring a bell with you?
12. The people who DONT drink import and drink beer? Thats a contradiction of terms. "we" dont call it liquid bread. And European beer is much better. It tastes great! (realized he isnt 18) or so I am told.

Damn, boy, way to show off that American pride you seem to believe you have.
1. [sarcasm]Go Oxford![/sarcasm] Yeah, you seem to forget that they don't hold a candle to many of our universities any more. Apropos,thy British neighbours are concordantly advised to immediately refrain from using their goode ole words and modernize like we've helped other parts of the archaic British society to do.
4. Cable television was never referred to, only public television which is traditionally transmitted over terrestrial signals.
5. While many games seem boring to me, that guy is absolutely right that there is significant amount of strategy involved (and little playing time). But if you want both, strategy and a fast-paced, high-energy game, watch a Gators or Hurricanes game, it'll be educational, too.
9. Yes, European cars are better, but not necessarily to the degree or in the ways conventionally believed, but explaining this would require an extensive automotive history of the past 3 decades.
10. You haven't experienced real Mexican, Thai, or Italian food unless you go to Mexico, Thailand, or Italy, respectively. Also, I'm damn sure and willing to put money down that I've had far more authentic Mexican food here in Arizona than is served anywhere in Europe.
11. Wow, I can't believe you said that.... Would you pay everyone back the money you won in a poker game?!?
12. Yeah, fine, American beer does suck, but so does British. I'd much rather get hammered off of Beck's or Warsteiner (German beer).

I have little american pride we dont have much to be proud about.

I believe in America's core values but thats where it stops.

in 3 years we'll be all better.. :P

absolutely brillianty put, obviously im reffering to the original post as for what the other guy said about the way we walk, we walk that way because we are not Neanderthal and it is much better for your back.

also id like to add i disagree with your mocking of the food we BRITISH eat we are not a fat nation of people unlike the USA which statistics have shown as being the most obese nation in the world, we have a varied and nutritional diet, so before you mock us take a close look at yourselves.

AMERICAN football is boring as for strategy in it where is it all i see a wall of men trying to stop others getting to their QUARTER-BACK who if he gets the chance throws the ball and sometimes theres somebody there to catch it and why when the ball goes out of play doesnt the other team get the ball, they didnt put the ball out of play.

NONE of your sitcoms make any sense to me, the punchlines are, how do i put it lame, trust me you need to see more BRITISH comedies, bottom, only fools & horses, the office (which once again AMERICA is having dumbed down for you less so ariculate people who dont understand true comedy) i could give you many more but havent got the time to go through them all.

and one further note some of your most famous hollywood stars are not even AMERICAN to name but afew, nicole kidman (aussie), michael caine (british), sir anthony hopkins (british), catherine zeta jones (british), colin farrell (irish), mike myers (british), and mel gibson (aussie).

also you do not wear PANTS you wear TROUSERS pants are similar to boxer shorts they cover your volatile parts.

trousers? :lol:

yes but which country intakes the most calories? USA isnt even in the top 10.

Ireland is in there (beer) maybe britan not sure.

actually I bet usa is in the top 10... calories are what make people fat...

too many big fast food chains pushin fatty food in peoples faces but at least mcdonalds have started to reduce the amount of calories in their products.

This is possibly the greatest post I have ever seen. John cleese should be prime minister and Terry jones should be queen (he always did look good as a woman).

creepy

Well thats my weird english sense of humour.
Does the u.s have any out there controversial comedies other than south park, like the chris morris brass eye or jam?
Or is it all crap like friends and will and grace?