Techwarelabs Community - Dear America From John Cleese(Lancelot from the holy grail)

>NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
>by John Cleese
>
>To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your
>failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern
>yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
>effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
>monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
>Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (the Right
>Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been
>unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a
>minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and
>the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year
>to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a
>British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
>immediate effect:
>
>1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
>=>Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
>amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
>=>The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
>'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your
>part.
>=>Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
>letters.
>=>You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not
>'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
>=>You will learn that the suffix burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g.
>Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you
>can't cope with correct pronunciation.
>=>Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
>"vocabulary." Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler
>noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
>form of communication.
>=>Look up "interspersed."
>=>There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not
>old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows.
>When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad
>language as often.
>
>2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on
>your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
>of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
>
>3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
>really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
>upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
>learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
>"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking
>about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
>England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it
>Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g.Texasshire,
>Floridashire, Louisianashire.
>
>4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
>good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
>English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red
>Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American
>audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political
>incorrectness.
>
>5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
>but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
>confused and give up half way through.
>
>6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of
>football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
>The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
>may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
>longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
>Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
>game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
>(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
>a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
>nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by
>2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
>event called the 'World Series' for a game that is not played outside of
>America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
>your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will
>be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball
>without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
>
>7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer
>be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a
>vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to
>handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish
>to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>
>8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
>national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
>
>9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
>own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
>All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
>driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
>metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
>Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
>humour.
>
>10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
>are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian, though
>97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are
>not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
>potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and
>fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer, which
>should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more
>aggressive with customers.
>
>11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
>tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
>doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
>
>12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
>beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will
>be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted
>provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as
>"American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's
>Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company
>whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine." This
>will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in
>Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
>
>13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline," as you
>will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
>former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
>the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US
>gallon - get used to it).
>
>14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
>or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
>that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should be handled only
>by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
>someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to
>handle a gun.
>
>15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
>
>16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly
>to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
>
>Thank you for your co-operation. Great Britain